My trip home for Thanksgiving

I am sad, I am crying, I am angry, I am bitter, and I am lonely. I'm home for thanksgiving but sadly it’s not a thanksgiving it’s a thanks”taking”. I am soon to be 20 in just a few weeks and what I thought would be a great ending to the year 2009 is turning out to be the most broken heart aching ending to the year 2009. I arrive to this place that I use to call home but now it’s just a lifeless square box painted in gloom. I don’t know what it is but it’s definitely not the home I left a year ago. I step in through the front door and the air has a haunting coldness about it that makes my bones ache.



I am uneasy


I am confused??? Where’s the warm love filled place I use to call home.


It’s gone without warning. Hey MOM!!! I walk up to her and go give her a big bear hug. The biggest bear hug I’ve ever given anyone. She’s shocked and surprise, I guess she really was expecting me to arrive Friday instead of Wednesday.


Perfect, that’s how I wanted it to be. Her face broke into Smiles and tears as she took a look at her big little man college son. It’s so nice to see her after being away from for so long. She holds me tight and doesn't let go.


I am safe. Nothing or no one can touch me or harm me as she embraces me within her love filled bosom. It’s late, and I am tired from the long trip home and she needs to get rest so we chat for a bit and then off we go to get some rest. We leave the good conversation for next morning’s breakfast. I head to my old room and oddly my bed is occupied by another being of whom I have no idea as to who it could be. The air in my room is thick with the smell of shit, just my luck right? Some crusty ass person who hasn’t showered in who knows how long is in my bed fast asleep unaware that I am watching over him in disgust. I hear mom’s voice from a distance and she says, “We let your older Brother have your room, we weren’t expecting you so early, forgive me honey”


FML


“It’s ok mom. I’ll just crash in the living room and we’ll figure things out tomorrow morning after breakfast.” I say.


Seriously though, what the fuck is that psycho doing here? I should beat the shit out of him with the bat in the front closet and claim my revenge.


Yea this is my older brother I am talking about, and I guess it’s safe to say that I don’t like him.Because I don’t. But I don’t hate him either. His name is Chris and the last time we met my life flashed before my eyes, and it was my blood that he wore as the police snatched his busted ass from a bush that I knocked him into. Knife still in hand and the look of a killer in his eye I bid him farewell forever as I stood there shaking in my cold blood from the many cuts inflicted upon my body accompanied by bite marks all over my face. I hoped never to see him again for as long as I lived. He tried to kill me that night, and the man that I knew as a father sat there front row anticipating my departure from the land of the living. I close that memory in my head; I am way too tired to think right now. All I want to do is sleep, I hit the couch and I knock out within minutes.


[Next day]


It’s colder than a snow storm in Iceland; I wake up grouchy as usual. I hate having my sleep interrupted it makes me bitchy. Mom is already awake and she greets me with a big smile and a nice vegetarian breakfast of beans, carrots, eggs and toast. Doesn’t sound too appetizing, but it tasted great. We talk and talk and talk and shared some tears. It’s a nice mother and son moment, something I think both our souls longed for, being that she’s one of my best friends and I hers. There’s no favoritism on my behalf though. My mother has discovered a best friend in each of her sons Chris the oldest, me the middle, and Cam the youngest…


I discover that my younger bro has dropped out of school for now and is moving to Las Vegas, he is the last of us to be at home with mom and now he has decided to venture out and away from home leaving mom alone. My heart aches at this. It’s hard to realize that momma will be alone with a man who took joy in my downfall at the hands of my older brother. She’s a woman that I hold very close to heart and have nothing but the highest respect for. It’s sad. I’ve always had a family and been use to knowing what would come next or at least have an idea of what the future holds for me and for the first time in a really long time I don’t know what’s next or what to expect. For as long as I can remember I’ve always had my younger bro by my side in everything that I did; be it sports, school, girls, EVERYTHING and I’ve always had the strong will and protection of my mother up to this point in my life. It’s almost up. I know that when I leave home this time it is for good. I am going to go and conquer LA one way or another, and live out my life chasing my dreams and living them, My mom is going her own way to find new discoveries and adjust to her freedom once again, Cam is heading to Sin City to embark upon a one man journey to find himself, and Chris is heading where no one knows. I'm hurting because the family that has been with me for the past 20 years is breaking up and going their own separate ways and this thanksgiving will be the last time that we will all be together for one last time. I’ve been trying to accept this but right now my heart is too tender and my minds too feeble. I look to my friends for strength and love. They are my new family that I have chosen to journey with me through this life for the many years to come. I know that this is the growing phase that we all eventually have to face. At some point we all have to break away from home and create our own home and break away from the security of our parents and find our own security within ourselves. It hurts like hell and I didn’t want it to be this way, but I am dealing with it the best way that I can.


I write because it helps me deal with the pain and hurt. It keeps me rooted to the true Cody Taylor on the inside. Writing gives me the strength to make the impossible possible.


Where ever I go I know that I will always have my family with me; my mom and my brother. Always in my heart always and forever…God will make sure of that-I pray He does. He will keep the love strong forever and put his protection over each of us because I believe and that’s all it takes. Hope, faith, and love with these things, we defy greatness and can Accomplish anything.

Quotes

"My life is being written, leave it all on the table and accept no regrets. Its short, Bitter, and Sweet...Waste time discovering adventures and leave everyone behind who seeks to doubt your success and dreams. Life is short so embrace them. I have one desire, one will, and one destination; Happieness. Stopping me is infeasable. Enjoy the show from the sidelines haters."-Cody Taylor

"I had to lose myself in love, but love was never truly meant for me, I am deficient to its grasp. And so it is that I choose to turn to music to fill that void."-Cody Taylor

''Today was the kind of day where I took a step back from time to take a look at the bigger picture.


Friends, Food, Music&Love is all that one truly needs to be successful.

It is all that I need.

I often think about God when He blesses me to have a moment that makes me stop my life in its present moment to realize how blessed and fortunate I truly am.

It can be so surreal at times that I'm at a loss for words.

I come to the conclusion that such a moment needs not to be defined.''-Cody Taylor